When I started this blog it was my intend that it be a daily or weekly digest into my life, my thoughts, my surroundings. Since the passing of my grandmother I have been using it as a sounding board with a depressing tone to it. Now, this has helped my greatly. Expressing myself and getting it down has helped me cope with a lot. But, as of today, it will serve more of a daily (if there is enough to scrawl about daily) journal.
On my mind today is my upcoming wedding anniversary! 6 years!!! I was joking with Bub the other day about how it has been the LONGEST 6 years of my life! I lie! It has been the best 6 years! I got lucky! Bub is awesome! I try hard to make sure that he knows every day how much I love him and how much I appreciate his hard work and sacrifice. Our life is the way it is because of him and because of his love and dedication to his family!
He is definitely my other half. Without him I would be incomplete! He is a great husband and provider and a wonderful father! I cannot count the number of times that a friend or family member has commented about how great of a man he is! It's nice that others recognize how amazing he is!
The new task is finding something special for him to mark these past 6 years! Some people say it should be a baby! Ha! lol I have about three weeks to figure something out!
It is interesting that the loss of a loved one is what will bring a family closer. Or will be the push they need to realize how much time has been wasted! But I guess it is nice when something positive can come out of something so devastating and life changing.
My Papaw seems to have come to terms with her death and found peace. I hope I too can find this peace and find comfort some how. Some days are harder than others for me, as I am certain for him as well.
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My dad, step-mom and sister MaKenna will be coming to visit in March during their Spring Break. I am very excited! They have not been back to visit since before Mamaw Rose passed away in 2006. I know it will be hard for him coming here and her not being here. I have planned a Family Reunion, inviting everyone I can think of. I hope this helps!
I am really excited about throwing this reunion too! I love to entertain and thankfully our house and yard can easily accommodate all the families that should be coming! I am making my infamous pulled BBQ pork. It should go over well!
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The jury is still out as to whether we will increase our family in size. Some days it's easier to say yes. But there are those days where I am so overwhelmed with the daily grind that I cannot imagine how I could manage a toddler, all the daily tasks and top it off with a pregnancy or a baby! Maybe if Bub worked closer or was home daily this would be an easier decision. Not to mention all the past pregnancy issues we've had. Sometime I think not knowing whether or not it is possible to have another may be better! By the end of this year we will know whether we will try to or keep our family how it is now!
Ever since the passing of my grandmother, I have had a flood of emotions. Some I am resolving and dealing with head on. Writing in my blog is helping a lot with that! But the one emotion that has been looming over me is fear. I am afraid! Afraid of what, I am not exactly sure! Anything I cannot see within my normal sight range for starters!
Ever since one of my trips to ICU and feeling the strong tug on the bottom of my shirt from some unseen 'being', I have been creeped out. I am fairly sure this tug was from my Mamaw, though I am unsure only because it was so low! Now, in the past I have seen ghostly figures or spirits, whatever you want to call them, in the past. You get used to this after a while and I used to be comforted by most of these. For some reason, since this is the first person to pass close to me, I am DEATHLY afraid she will appear to me. Why am I afraid since she is my Mamaw? I wish I knew! Maybe one day I will be ready to be visited by her. Hopefully it will not be too late for it! Even as I sit here and write, since it is so late, I keep seeing things out of the corner of my eye and I just don't want to look! The feeling is similar to watching a horror movie that scares the shit out of you and being afraid to go to the bathroom by yourself for fear something will be in there waiting for you or hiding in the shower! I HATE it!!
I should be wanting a visit! I should be yearning the contact and even the closure, but I don't think I am at a state to handle it! Everyone has their opinions about death and what happens afterwards. If I go along with the thought that there is nothing after death, seeing her would just freak me out. If I believe that spirits can walk among us and been seen and stuff, I don't know if I can handle seeing someone that I am supposed to be accepting and being gone.....forever!
The other thing that has me afraid is the fear of something happening to me. A car wreck, taking the trash to the road and someone coming out of the shadows and attacking me. I find myself looking over my shoulder or looking at my surroundings constantly to ensure nothing happens to me.
Why the hell am I so paranoid? What does my grandma passing by natural causes have to do with my sheer paranoia and fear of anything that moves or goes bump? Is there something wrong with me?! Of all of the emotions I thought would be associated with a loss of a loved one, this is not one I thought existed! I must be looking in the wrong place, but I have yet to find anything on the web about my 'issues'. I had hoped that by now these feelings would pass. But it seems to be becoming part of me now! I hope to find a book, or someone who knows what the hell is happening to me! Fear and paranoia is not something I am used to or comfortable with. I need to find out how to get closure or something!
But for now, I need to run to bed! Hopefully nothing will get me on my way! LOL (okay, really not funny, even coming from me! Oy!)
The last few days have been trying, to say the least! I am finding myself needing a straight jacket or padded room as each day passes. If my day isn't filled with sadness and loss, it's filled with anger, frustration, disbelief and sheer emotional exhaustion!
Don't get me wrong, I am not dwelling on Mamaw's passing. I have been having my moments. But I happen to also have a toddler who, for whatever reason is trying to kick me while I'm down! She has this uncanny knack for knowing when I am weak and cannot defend myself! In the midst of telling her the same types of things daily - 'no you cannot stand right next to the stove while I am cooking' ; 'yes you have to brush your teeth even though you did it yesterday' ; 'just because you closed your eyes for a few minutes and were quiet, no, that does not mean you took a nap' ; 'no you cannot eat candy in the morning before breakfast'........ I find that when she asks why, I am at a loss. I, a 29 year old mother, cannot come up with anything more intelligent than...."cause, ok!"
We had a horrible day Monday. It took me THREE hours of fussing, spanking and yelling to get this child to sleep. By the end of it I and the one that needed a damn nap! It ruined our whole day and we ended up missing one of the local parades with the family! I was pretty upset. And as usual, it is I that has to miss out because of the defiant child! The evening ended up being better. We have so much to work on. It's just so hard for me to understand how someone so smart can not listen and understand the word no! I am sure it's because she is so smart she decides she'll see how far she can push me and what she can get away with!
Today I went to the nursing home with my Great-Aunt and my cousin's wife to see my Great-Grandma. It was a nice visit! They are remodeling and thankfully she will have her own room soon. But I will say, some of the stories I heard today about those old people bickering! About how there is a married couple there and the gentleman has a girlfriend down the hall that he "smooches" with! lol I told her that she didn't even need a TV with all the soap opera stuff going on there!
So on our way home from picking Regan up from school she asked me when Mamaw was going to be home. I asked her if she remembered what Daddy and I told her a while back about where she was and she said no. I knew this was my opening and it was time to make sure she understood.
The best I could, I explain that she was gone. Made sure to use the words died and dead. (the day before I was in the other room and heard her crying. She was watching Pocahontas and at the end when the guy is on the ship and injured she cries. I asked her what was wrong and she said, he's dead. So I am trying to relate to what she seems to sort of understand) I tried to explain that she was in heaven with God and Jesus. Since it has been well over a year since we stopped attending our church, she has no idea what I am talking about. I have some children's bible books I'll be reading to her this week! But when we got home I started supper (she requested gumbo) then I sat with her and we read "When Dinosaurs Die". I kept composure for the most part. The book explains that everything lives and then at some point dies. It discusses ways people can die and what happens, sort of, afterwards. She was really upset and sobbed afterwards. So I brought her in the spare bedroom and pulled out pictures and made her an album. I told her she loved us and we loved her and that we will always have our memories. And that it is okay to be sad and miss her. It sucked! I have no doubt in my mind she will ask again. I guess kids can be in denial too and this may just be her way! Hopefully the next time she asks it'll be her daddy, cause I am not sure how many times I can break my child's heart in a row! Ugh!
Feeling pretty sullen today! Not really sure how I am supposed to feel or express myself! I am starting to think that although I speak as though I have accepted Mamaw's passing, in my heart of hearts I may not have.
Today, as promised I took Regan to the Jeanerette Mardi Gras Parade. She had a blast! She waves at everyone and even started trying to dance like some of the dancers and march like the marching bands (which I love by the way!). She got tons of beads, some toys and even a few packages of girly play make-up and lip gloss. She had a good time and that is all that really matters!!
Afterwards we heading to my Aunts to help write the Thank You notes to everyone who sent flowers and monetary donations and food during the wake and funeral! As women do we started talking and reminiscing. We all miss her so much! Today was the first time I allowed myself to cry since the day after the funeral. And I couldn't make the tears stop! I guess it was good to face my feelings. Once everything wasn't so much in the mix and she was laid to rest, I was able to push it all to the side. I just don't want to upset Regan and cannot spend my days crying! My mood since reflecting and crying at my Aunt's has been almost depressing! I know it is okay to be sad, but I just want to crawl into bed and stay there! Now, I am sure that might help me deal with this. Do it, and then move on. But I have a 3 1/2 year old and Bub is at work! The world cannot stop so that I can "deal" with my emotions!
After the long week of her hospitalization, passing and wake/funeral, everyone left! All of a sudden it was Regan and I. The funeral was Friday and they all left bright and early Sunday morning! We went to my grandparent's house on Monday just like we always have! I admit I was scared! Scared I would upset my Papaw, that I would say or do he wrong things or that Regan would bring something up that would upset him. It actually was very nice! He looked great! I couldn't believe it! He had cooked a huge meal, which he hadn't done in over a year since he had his own heart issues. Seemed he was enjoying the company and was actively trying to keep busy! My Aunt and Uncle are living there, and I think he is really enjoying it! I'm not sure if he has faced reality that Mamaw is gone and has accepted it or if he has decided to ignore it for now. Either way, I hope he continues to live his life and care for himself!
It also turns out that even though Bub and I explained her passing to Regan, she did not understand. When we started eating supper she asked me when Mamaw was going to get there. Then throughout the night she called Aunt Margaret - Mamaw. I would just remind her that it was Aunt Margaret. Now, I still talk about Mamaw just like I always have. "Remember when Mamaw...." "is that the doll Mamaw bought you?" I got 3 books for kids dealing with death to read to Regan......I got them Thursday.......still haven't "found the time" (or faced it) to read them to her and just get it all out once and for all. I am afraid I won't be able to deal with the emotions she will have, since I haven't really dealt with my own!
I haven't yet written about Papaw's induction into the Hall of Fame. That is what I was supposed to do the next time I took a minute to write. But this is what has oozed out. I will add that next time! There is definitely a silver lining and all is not gloomy! I am still thankful for the time I had with her and have plans to make the best of every moment I have with everyone I love! I guess this is just my season to reflect and mourn!
Today marks the end of the longest week of my life! A little over 6 days ago, around my daughter's bedtime I receive a call telling me my Mamaw had another heart attack. Since that call, my entire world has changed! Even at 29, I can say I have done some growing up this week. Definitely not needed and I really wish I could undo it all!
My grandparents have both had heart issues and last year my Papaw was the one who gave us a scare and we thought we might lose his. But he was tough and fought and bounced back unbelievably fast. We felt so blessed. Well last Sunday, one of the stints in Mamaw's heart collapsed. It is said she died then, but the ambulance did resuscitate her. She was air lifted to the heart hospital in Lafayette, where she ended up on life support. Many of us were certain she would pull through, as she was only 60 and was so active and healthy. The Drs said there was slim chance that if she survived, that she would be her old self or be in a state other than the one she was in..... We held out hope, lots of praying!
When we returned the next morning, we were faced with having to see her in the state she was in, intubated and unconscious. I have to say it was the hardest thing I had ever had to do! At least that was what I thought at the time! Never did I think the experiences would get harder. Seeing her like that was hard, but by the time I walk out of her room, even though I was sobbing, I was glad that I was able to see her alive, touch her and tell her how much I loved her.
She sure did fight, and there were many moments where we all thought she would prove those doctors wrong, we just hoped that the time without oxygen didn't hamper her brain like they suspected. The first EKG wasn't very supportive that she would be okay. When Wednesday came and they did the CAT scan, our worst fears were confirmed and it seems Mamaw wasn't really there all along. The family had to decide whether to keep her on life support or not, hardest thing I've ever had to do number two!
Watching Papaw suffer through this was really rough on the whole family! I can only imagine how helpless he was feeling and that even he thought she would live forever. Once they spoke to us, told us the prognosis it was up to him to ultimately decide what to do. I wish he had never had to make that decision, but we all know that it was what she wanted, no matter how hard it was for all of us to let go!
Once they decided they would pull her off life support, we were all able to go in and say our goodbyes to her. You guessed it, hardest thing number three! One, because watching her husband, mother and son have to say goodbye was heart wrenching! The pain I was feeling as her granddaughter was great, but to be a spouse, mom or child, I don't even think I can fathom the pain! Saying goodbye to her was really surreal. Telling her you are going to let her go seems almost insincere because I didn't want to say goodbye, I didn't want to let her go, I still want and need her here and so does everyone else! I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs "IT'S NOT TRUE!! YOU CANNOT GO! DON'T GO! FIGHT!!!" They took her off the machines at about 5:30 pm. That woman fought and fought until just before midnight. I must admit I still kept hoping she was gonna prove everyone wrong.......until she really did pass away. A few of my Aunts and some close family stayed by her side until she took her last breath. It was not something I felt I could do, but I am glad she had them by her side through it all!!
Because everyone knew she wasn't going to make it, they were able to plan her funeral and not prolong everything. By Thursday evening, she had her wake. Hardest thing number four. I have barely seen a dead person, let alone someone close to be that I had seen alive the day before. Though I am glad I was able to see her looking like herself and not what she looked like in the hospital, it really messed with my head! My Mamaw looked like she was sleeping. And all the while I looked at her I waited for her to wake up. A nice "Just kidding" or "surprise" would have been nice. Especially since I was in denial this whole time! I still cannot completely believe it and hope that I am just having a VERY long VERY real BAD, BAD dream!!
Before the Wake on Thursday, we were all my Papaw's house. We still had not told Regan what was going on or had happened. The last thing she knew was that Mamaw was in the hospital because she was sick. So Bub got up the nerve to tell her and he said it was the hardest thing he's ever had to do. He told her she would not not be coming back because her heart was too sick. Regan asked why to everything he said. We weren't prepared for the whole ordeal, let alone explaining it to our 3 1/2 year old. She asked questions, then stood up and walked out of the room. Bub followed her and found her in the next room huddled in the corner crying. The way she cried and her face was something we had never seen her do. It took a while for her to stop crying and after a wile Bub took her outside to get her thinking about other things. After a bit she noticed Mamaw's car and started crying again! I am not sure when she will start to accept it, or when I will for that matter! It is still too damn hard to believe!
The second part of the wake and the funeral and burial were very beautiful! Mamaw deserved it and it would have all been to her liking. Her casket was so lovely and just screamed her! The outpouring of visitors and attendees proved how loved she was and how amazing and wonderful everyone thinks she was.
Dianne Pellerin will be very missed! Anyone who knew her and could call her a friend or family was very privileged! To know her was to know how caring she was. How much she loved her family and life and most of all her husband! Last year they celebrated 40 years!!
Rest in Peace Mamaw! I hope heaven is everything you imagined and more!! Hope to see you again one day!! Love you and you are always in my heart!!
Her Obituary: http://www.asimas.com/ASIMAS/pellerin/
obituaryDescription.jsp?domain_id=154&deceased_id=147989
To view her Video Tribute: http://pellerinfh.yourtribute.com/viewtribute.asp?fh=
pellerinfh&mv=diannepellerinweb.html
