The last few days have been trying, to say the least! I am finding myself needing a straight jacket or padded room as each day passes. If my day isn't filled with sadness and loss, it's filled with anger, frustration, disbelief and sheer emotional exhaustion!
Don't get me wrong, I am not dwelling on Mamaw's passing. I have been having my moments. But I happen to also have a toddler who, for whatever reason is trying to kick me while I'm down! She has this uncanny knack for knowing when I am weak and cannot defend myself! In the midst of telling her the same types of things daily - 'no you cannot stand right next to the stove while I am cooking' ; 'yes you have to brush your teeth even though you did it yesterday' ; 'just because you closed your eyes for a few minutes and were quiet, no, that does not mean you took a nap' ; 'no you cannot eat candy in the morning before breakfast'........ I find that when she asks why, I am at a loss. I, a 29 year old mother, cannot come up with anything more intelligent than...."cause, ok!"
We had a horrible day Monday. It took me THREE hours of fussing, spanking and yelling to get this child to sleep. By the end of it I and the one that needed a damn nap! It ruined our whole day and we ended up missing one of the local parades with the family! I was pretty upset. And as usual, it is I that has to miss out because of the defiant child! The evening ended up being better. We have so much to work on. It's just so hard for me to understand how someone so smart can not listen and understand the word no! I am sure it's because she is so smart she decides she'll see how far she can push me and what she can get away with!
Today I went to the nursing home with my Great-Aunt and my cousin's wife to see my Great-Grandma. It was a nice visit! They are remodeling and thankfully she will have her own room soon. But I will say, some of the stories I heard today about those old people bickering! About how there is a married couple there and the gentleman has a girlfriend down the hall that he "smooches" with! lol I told her that she didn't even need a TV with all the soap opera stuff going on there!
So on our way home from picking Regan up from school she asked me when Mamaw was going to be home. I asked her if she remembered what Daddy and I told her a while back about where she was and she said no. I knew this was my opening and it was time to make sure she understood.
The best I could, I explain that she was gone. Made sure to use the words died and dead. (the day before I was in the other room and heard her crying. She was watching Pocahontas and at the end when the guy is on the ship and injured she cries. I asked her what was wrong and she said, he's dead. So I am trying to relate to what she seems to sort of understand) I tried to explain that she was in heaven with God and Jesus. Since it has been well over a year since we stopped attending our church, she has no idea what I am talking about. I have some children's bible books I'll be reading to her this week! But when we got home I started supper (she requested gumbo) then I sat with her and we read "When Dinosaurs Die". I kept composure for the most part. The book explains that everything lives and then at some point dies. It discusses ways people can die and what happens, sort of, afterwards. She was really upset and sobbed afterwards. So I brought her in the spare bedroom and pulled out pictures and made her an album. I told her she loved us and we loved her and that we will always have our memories. And that it is okay to be sad and miss her. It sucked! I have no doubt in my mind she will ask again. I guess kids can be in denial too and this may just be her way! Hopefully the next time she asks it'll be her daddy, cause I am not sure how many times I can break my child's heart in a row! Ugh!
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