I have been doing some soul searching the last few weeks. Mostly because I have been holding in some pent up anger and hurt. I kept saying it wasn't there, but it was and it surfaced last week!
Why is it that when someone hurts you, which is basically a moment of their time to thoughtlessly cast out hateful things, does it stay with the one who receives it the longest??
But I have come to a point of clarity. I am now getting a better understanding of this and am going to move past it!
So the first of these two situations was between myself and a friend. Someone I actually considered to be my closest friend for a few years! Hell, my daughter called her daughter her sister. We were all very close. Well, as a mom and a grown ass adult, I made a call on her judgment (as a parent). It was such a bad and uncomfortable situation that I started to withdraw from our friendship until I could figure out how to approach such a moral dilemma. When it all finally came out - I felt better and felt like we could move forward, but this "friend" decided that my opinion of her bad moral judgment wasn't okay. She started to attack my family and more specifically my daughter and started airing things told to her in private about my childhood.
This hurt deeply. And unfortunately, after this there was no going back! Sad thing is, that instead of us just parting as friends, she had to say things to hurt me. So I grew to hate her for the pain she caused! And I will admit, I wished bad things upon her! I mean, in my head, people who do bad things and wrong others do not deserve anything! They deserve to feel the anguish they cause to others! Will this happen? I don't know. I am sure that while I was dealing with the hurt of the things she said, she was probably dealing with guilt and isolation.
The second situation was with a cousin of mine. Again, this situation was caused by me making a judgment on his character! After being the only supportive person in his life while he had no job, thought he had cancer and had no money, he decides to bring up something from my childhood. De Ja Vue, huh?? I guess everyone who wants to hurt someone must read the same book on how to be a crappy person! lol
Anyways, this unfortunately has to do with money. Money that my husband works hard for and that I loaned to this cousin so that he wouldn't lose his apartment. And so that he could have stitches removed and pay his Dr. And so that he could get a new battery for his car and get gas so he could get the job he was trying to get.
Well, shit on me because I somehow didn't "deserve" the money that I was owed because I wasn't supporting him wanting to buy a house!! Ummm, he didn't have a job! I wasn't being unsupportive, I was being realistic!! Anyways, long story short he never paid my back and then started slandering me, calling me names and stalking me on my phone! It took a trip to the police station to get him to leave me alone!
It is really hurtful when you are there for someone and they not only treat you like crap, but they want to use words to hurt you.
Well, on this day I am moving forward!! This hate that is filling my heart is doing me absolutely no good. I have been told numerous times that I need to forgive. And this, for me, is extremely difficult. For the way I see it, forgiving them will not teach them that what they did was wrong. It will probably show them that they possibly had merit in acting so shitty.
Well, this is my blog and my life for that matter so I will do some forgiving.....but MY way!!
So here it is.
Miranda, I think that it sucks that the 3 years of our friendship and all the good memories we had have to be tarnished with the horrible things you said. But, you are an adult and you made the decisions to do and say what you did. Hopefully you can live with it!
But I forgive you for what you said. I will never forget it and you will always be "that type of person" in my mind. I hope you took something from this and learned how not to treat people!
Billy, it is unfortunate that at your age you cannot see the error in your ways! Asking for money and saying you will pay it back and then finding reasons that I don't "deserve" my money back is just ridiculous! And saying things to me you had no business saying really speaks volumes about the type of person you are. But thank you, because knowing now the type of person you are will save me from lots of drama and pain down the line! Not having you in my life is almost....well, a GIFT so thank you for that!
But, I forgive you! For being so cold and insensetive and really just plan hateful. Hopefully you learned a lesson from it and that will be the good that comes out of this!
So, I will no longer let these feelings plague me. The two of you will one day grow up and realize there are ethics and a moral code that productive people in society live by. How you behave and treat people speaks volumes! Your character is what defines you! I cannot help but pity the both of you because you really do not have enough respect to see what you put onto others. I am certain though that something or someone will hurt you the same and teach you this valuable lesson!
Something to think about..............
Our character is but the stamp on our souls of the free choices of good and evil we have made through life. -John C. Geikie
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