Ever since the passing of my grandmother, I have had a flood of emotions. Some I am resolving and dealing with head on. Writing in my blog is helping a lot with that! But the one emotion that has been looming over me is fear. I am afraid! Afraid of what, I am not exactly sure! Anything I cannot see within my normal sight range for starters!
Ever since one of my trips to ICU and feeling the strong tug on the bottom of my shirt from some unseen 'being', I have been creeped out. I am fairly sure this tug was from my Mamaw, though I am unsure only because it was so low! Now, in the past I have seen ghostly figures or spirits, whatever you want to call them, in the past. You get used to this after a while and I used to be comforted by most of these. For some reason, since this is the first person to pass close to me, I am DEATHLY afraid she will appear to me. Why am I afraid since she is my Mamaw? I wish I knew! Maybe one day I will be ready to be visited by her. Hopefully it will not be too late for it! Even as I sit here and write, since it is so late, I keep seeing things out of the corner of my eye and I just don't want to look! The feeling is similar to watching a horror movie that scares the shit out of you and being afraid to go to the bathroom by yourself for fear something will be in there waiting for you or hiding in the shower! I HATE it!!
I should be wanting a visit! I should be yearning the contact and even the closure, but I don't think I am at a state to handle it! Everyone has their opinions about death and what happens afterwards. If I go along with the thought that there is nothing after death, seeing her would just freak me out. If I believe that spirits can walk among us and been seen and stuff, I don't know if I can handle seeing someone that I am supposed to be accepting and being gone.....forever!
The other thing that has me afraid is the fear of something happening to me. A car wreck, taking the trash to the road and someone coming out of the shadows and attacking me. I find myself looking over my shoulder or looking at my surroundings constantly to ensure nothing happens to me.
Why the hell am I so paranoid? What does my grandma passing by natural causes have to do with my sheer paranoia and fear of anything that moves or goes bump? Is there something wrong with me?! Of all of the emotions I thought would be associated with a loss of a loved one, this is not one I thought existed! I must be looking in the wrong place, but I have yet to find anything on the web about my 'issues'. I had hoped that by now these feelings would pass. But it seems to be becoming part of me now! I hope to find a book, or someone who knows what the hell is happening to me! Fear and paranoia is not something I am used to or comfortable with. I need to find out how to get closure or something!
But for now, I need to run to bed! Hopefully nothing will get me on my way! LOL (okay, really not funny, even coming from me! Oy!)
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