Highs & Lows

Feeling pretty sullen today! Not really sure how I am supposed to feel or express myself! I am starting to think that although I speak as though I have accepted Mamaw's passing, in my heart of hearts I may not have.

Today, as promised I took Regan to the Jeanerette Mardi Gras Parade. She had a blast! She waves at everyone and even started trying to dance like some of the dancers and march like the marching bands (which I love by the way!). She got tons of beads, some toys and even a few packages of girly play make-up and lip gloss. She had a good time and that is all that really matters!!

Afterwards we heading to my Aunts to help write the Thank You notes to everyone who sent flowers and monetary donations and food during the wake and funeral! As women do we started talking and reminiscing. We all miss her so much! Today was the first time I allowed myself to cry since the day after the funeral. And I couldn't make the tears stop! I guess it was good to face my feelings. Once everything wasn't so much in the mix and she was laid to rest, I was able to push it all to the side. I just don't want to upset Regan and cannot spend my days crying! My mood since reflecting and crying at my Aunt's has been almost depressing! I know it is okay to be sad, but I just want to crawl into bed and stay there! Now, I am sure that might help me deal with this. Do it, and then move on. But I have a 3 1/2 year old and Bub is at work! The world cannot stop so that I can "deal" with my emotions!

After the long week of her hospitalization, passing and wake/funeral, everyone left! All of a sudden it was Regan and I. The funeral was Friday and they all left bright and early Sunday morning! We went to my grandparent's house on Monday just like we always have! I admit I was scared! Scared I would upset my Papaw, that I would say or do he wrong things or that Regan would bring something up that would upset him. It actually was very nice! He looked great! I couldn't believe it! He had cooked a huge meal, which he hadn't done in over a year since he had his own heart issues. Seemed he was enjoying the company and was actively trying to keep busy! My Aunt and Uncle are living there, and I think he is really enjoying it! I'm not sure if he has faced reality that Mamaw is gone and has accepted it or if he has decided to ignore it for now. Either way, I hope he continues to live his life and care for himself!

It also turns out that even though Bub and I explained her passing to Regan, she did not understand. When we started eating supper she asked me when Mamaw was going to get there. Then throughout the night she called Aunt Margaret - Mamaw. I would just remind her that it was Aunt Margaret. Now, I still talk about Mamaw just like I always have. "Remember when Mamaw...." "is that the doll Mamaw bought you?" I got 3 books for kids dealing with death to read to Regan......I got them Thursday.......still haven't "found the time" (or faced it) to read them to her and just get it all out once and for all. I am afraid I won't be able to deal with the emotions she will have, since I haven't really dealt with my own!


I haven't yet written about Papaw's induction into the Hall of Fame. That is what I was supposed to do the next time I took a minute to write. But this is what has oozed out. I will add that next time! There is definitely a silver lining and all is not gloomy! I am still thankful for the time I had with her and have plans to make the best of every moment I have with everyone I love! I guess this is just my season to reflect and mourn!