Today marks the end of the longest week of my life! A little over 6 days ago, around my daughter's bedtime I receive a call telling me my Mamaw had another heart attack. Since that call, my entire world has changed! Even at 29, I can say I have done some growing up this week. Definitely not needed and I really wish I could undo it all!
My grandparents have both had heart issues and last year my Papaw was the one who gave us a scare and we thought we might lose his. But he was tough and fought and bounced back unbelievably fast. We felt so blessed. Well last Sunday, one of the stints in Mamaw's heart collapsed. It is said she died then, but the ambulance did resuscitate her. She was air lifted to the heart hospital in Lafayette, where she ended up on life support. Many of us were certain she would pull through, as she was only 60 and was so active and healthy. The Drs said there was slim chance that if she survived, that she would be her old self or be in a state other than the one she was in..... We held out hope, lots of praying!
When we returned the next morning, we were faced with having to see her in the state she was in, intubated and unconscious. I have to say it was the hardest thing I had ever had to do! At least that was what I thought at the time! Never did I think the experiences would get harder. Seeing her like that was hard, but by the time I walk out of her room, even though I was sobbing, I was glad that I was able to see her alive, touch her and tell her how much I loved her.
She sure did fight, and there were many moments where we all thought she would prove those doctors wrong, we just hoped that the time without oxygen didn't hamper her brain like they suspected. The first EKG wasn't very supportive that she would be okay. When Wednesday came and they did the CAT scan, our worst fears were confirmed and it seems Mamaw wasn't really there all along. The family had to decide whether to keep her on life support or not, hardest thing I've ever had to do number two!
Watching Papaw suffer through this was really rough on the whole family! I can only imagine how helpless he was feeling and that even he thought she would live forever. Once they spoke to us, told us the prognosis it was up to him to ultimately decide what to do. I wish he had never had to make that decision, but we all know that it was what she wanted, no matter how hard it was for all of us to let go!
Once they decided they would pull her off life support, we were all able to go in and say our goodbyes to her. You guessed it, hardest thing number three! One, because watching her husband, mother and son have to say goodbye was heart wrenching! The pain I was feeling as her granddaughter was great, but to be a spouse, mom or child, I don't even think I can fathom the pain! Saying goodbye to her was really surreal. Telling her you are going to let her go seems almost insincere because I didn't want to say goodbye, I didn't want to let her go, I still want and need her here and so does everyone else! I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs "IT'S NOT TRUE!! YOU CANNOT GO! DON'T GO! FIGHT!!!" They took her off the machines at about 5:30 pm. That woman fought and fought until just before midnight. I must admit I still kept hoping she was gonna prove everyone wrong.......until she really did pass away. A few of my Aunts and some close family stayed by her side until she took her last breath. It was not something I felt I could do, but I am glad she had them by her side through it all!!
Because everyone knew she wasn't going to make it, they were able to plan her funeral and not prolong everything. By Thursday evening, she had her wake. Hardest thing number four. I have barely seen a dead person, let alone someone close to be that I had seen alive the day before. Though I am glad I was able to see her looking like herself and not what she looked like in the hospital, it really messed with my head! My Mamaw looked like she was sleeping. And all the while I looked at her I waited for her to wake up. A nice "Just kidding" or "surprise" would have been nice. Especially since I was in denial this whole time! I still cannot completely believe it and hope that I am just having a VERY long VERY real BAD, BAD dream!!
Before the Wake on Thursday, we were all my Papaw's house. We still had not told Regan what was going on or had happened. The last thing she knew was that Mamaw was in the hospital because she was sick. So Bub got up the nerve to tell her and he said it was the hardest thing he's ever had to do. He told her she would not not be coming back because her heart was too sick. Regan asked why to everything he said. We weren't prepared for the whole ordeal, let alone explaining it to our 3 1/2 year old. She asked questions, then stood up and walked out of the room. Bub followed her and found her in the next room huddled in the corner crying. The way she cried and her face was something we had never seen her do. It took a while for her to stop crying and after a wile Bub took her outside to get her thinking about other things. After a bit she noticed Mamaw's car and started crying again! I am not sure when she will start to accept it, or when I will for that matter! It is still too damn hard to believe!
The second part of the wake and the funeral and burial were very beautiful! Mamaw deserved it and it would have all been to her liking. Her casket was so lovely and just screamed her! The outpouring of visitors and attendees proved how loved she was and how amazing and wonderful everyone thinks she was.
Dianne Pellerin will be very missed! Anyone who knew her and could call her a friend or family was very privileged! To know her was to know how caring she was. How much she loved her family and life and most of all her husband! Last year they celebrated 40 years!!
Rest in Peace Mamaw! I hope heaven is everything you imagined and more!! Hope to see you again one day!! Love you and you are always in my heart!!
Her Obituary: http://www.asimas.com/ASIMAS/pellerin/
obituaryDescription.jsp?domain_id=154&deceased_id=147989
To view her Video Tribute: http://pellerinfh.yourtribute.com/viewtribute.asp?fh=
pellerinfh&mv=diannepellerinweb.html
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