When I started this blog it was my intend that it be a daily or weekly digest into my life, my thoughts, my surroundings. Since the passing of my grandmother I have been using it as a sounding board with a depressing tone to it. Now, this has helped my greatly. Expressing myself and getting it down has helped me cope with a lot. But, as of today, it will serve more of a daily (if there is enough to scrawl about daily) journal.
On my mind today is my upcoming wedding anniversary! 6 years!!! I was joking with Bub the other day about how it has been the LONGEST 6 years of my life! I lie! It has been the best 6 years! I got lucky! Bub is awesome! I try hard to make sure that he knows every day how much I love him and how much I appreciate his hard work and sacrifice. Our life is the way it is because of him and because of his love and dedication to his family!
He is definitely my other half. Without him I would be incomplete! He is a great husband and provider and a wonderful father! I cannot count the number of times that a friend or family member has commented about how great of a man he is! It's nice that others recognize how amazing he is!
The new task is finding something special for him to mark these past 6 years! Some people say it should be a baby! Ha! lol I have about three weeks to figure something out!
It is interesting that the loss of a loved one is what will bring a family closer. Or will be the push they need to realize how much time has been wasted! But I guess it is nice when something positive can come out of something so devastating and life changing.
My Papaw seems to have come to terms with her death and found peace. I hope I too can find this peace and find comfort some how. Some days are harder than others for me, as I am certain for him as well.
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My dad, step-mom and sister MaKenna will be coming to visit in March during their Spring Break. I am very excited! They have not been back to visit since before Mamaw Rose passed away in 2006. I know it will be hard for him coming here and her not being here. I have planned a Family Reunion, inviting everyone I can think of. I hope this helps!
I am really excited about throwing this reunion too! I love to entertain and thankfully our house and yard can easily accommodate all the families that should be coming! I am making my infamous pulled BBQ pork. It should go over well!
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The jury is still out as to whether we will increase our family in size. Some days it's easier to say yes. But there are those days where I am so overwhelmed with the daily grind that I cannot imagine how I could manage a toddler, all the daily tasks and top it off with a pregnancy or a baby! Maybe if Bub worked closer or was home daily this would be an easier decision. Not to mention all the past pregnancy issues we've had. Sometime I think not knowing whether or not it is possible to have another may be better! By the end of this year we will know whether we will try to or keep our family how it is now!
Ever since the passing of my grandmother, I have had a flood of emotions. Some I am resolving and dealing with head on. Writing in my blog is helping a lot with that! But the one emotion that has been looming over me is fear. I am afraid! Afraid of what, I am not exactly sure! Anything I cannot see within my normal sight range for starters!
Ever since one of my trips to ICU and feeling the strong tug on the bottom of my shirt from some unseen 'being', I have been creeped out. I am fairly sure this tug was from my Mamaw, though I am unsure only because it was so low! Now, in the past I have seen ghostly figures or spirits, whatever you want to call them, in the past. You get used to this after a while and I used to be comforted by most of these. For some reason, since this is the first person to pass close to me, I am DEATHLY afraid she will appear to me. Why am I afraid since she is my Mamaw? I wish I knew! Maybe one day I will be ready to be visited by her. Hopefully it will not be too late for it! Even as I sit here and write, since it is so late, I keep seeing things out of the corner of my eye and I just don't want to look! The feeling is similar to watching a horror movie that scares the shit out of you and being afraid to go to the bathroom by yourself for fear something will be in there waiting for you or hiding in the shower! I HATE it!!
I should be wanting a visit! I should be yearning the contact and even the closure, but I don't think I am at a state to handle it! Everyone has their opinions about death and what happens afterwards. If I go along with the thought that there is nothing after death, seeing her would just freak me out. If I believe that spirits can walk among us and been seen and stuff, I don't know if I can handle seeing someone that I am supposed to be accepting and being gone.....forever!
The other thing that has me afraid is the fear of something happening to me. A car wreck, taking the trash to the road and someone coming out of the shadows and attacking me. I find myself looking over my shoulder or looking at my surroundings constantly to ensure nothing happens to me.
Why the hell am I so paranoid? What does my grandma passing by natural causes have to do with my sheer paranoia and fear of anything that moves or goes bump? Is there something wrong with me?! Of all of the emotions I thought would be associated with a loss of a loved one, this is not one I thought existed! I must be looking in the wrong place, but I have yet to find anything on the web about my 'issues'. I had hoped that by now these feelings would pass. But it seems to be becoming part of me now! I hope to find a book, or someone who knows what the hell is happening to me! Fear and paranoia is not something I am used to or comfortable with. I need to find out how to get closure or something!
But for now, I need to run to bed! Hopefully nothing will get me on my way! LOL (okay, really not funny, even coming from me! Oy!)
