Blogging is a Release!

I was doubtful sleep would come easy last night because of the raging load up crap that is filling my head! You know the stuff that nags at you when it's quiet and you are cleaning and before you know it you're mad, depressed or crying?! Getting to sleep some nights, no matter how tired I am just really has become hard! Normally after laying in bed for a few hours I will get up and take a half a dose of Nyquil. This usually helps! But I dislike doing it. Thankfully Bub is home when I do so he can take care of Regan.

Anyways, yesterday was a whirlwind of emotions for me starting with it being the anniversary of the day they pulled my Mamaw off life support. All of my family and I agree that it just doesn't seem like it has been a whole year! I guess that proves exactly how long wounds stay open and how the pain just really does not subside! (to know the story go to January 2008)

Maybe I have a lot of guilt still since I was supposed to stop by the day before she had her heart attack and called and said, I will just come on Monday like I usually do! Maybe I still cannot face that I, for some reason passed up the chance, even though I was unaware to see her and talk to her one last time! It sucks! And it hurts! And it eats me up inside! On top of that dealing with death is something I am an amateur at. My Mamaw's funeral was the first real funeral and real major death close to me in my entire life. The two days at the hospital and the two day long funeral was really more than I could handle! And to be honest, yesterday was the year anniversary of her death and I still have yet to visit the Moselium. I kept saying I wasn't ready. And there were quite a few days that I fully intended to go on my way home from New Iberia and some how talking myself out of it each time! I guess I don't see going to see where she "lays" will really bring me any comfort at all. She is gone. When I stand at those places my miond goes visual and all I SEE is dead people laying in coffins inside of this wall. Seeing Mamaw laying there sucked! She looked like she was sleeping! It seemed far easier for me when Mamaw Rose passed and I just knew she was gone and there was no viewing and she was creamated and we had a service to bury the urn. I was more easily able to accept it for what it was. At the funeral I found myself - the WHOLE time honest to God waiting for her to sit up and be like "what the hell are yall doing?!" It was torture!

I hope to soon come to terms with my own guilt, and find a way to go to her and hope it brings me peace! I guess though, it is hard to find peace when all things have fallen apart since her death! I am a firm believer in the fact that all things happen for a reason. This one, even after a year still has me stumped! Our family has been torn apart and I doubt it will ever be mended! A lot of people are hurt and I don't see it ending soon or ending well. What would be the real reason for this?? Sigh.

Well, the moral to this blog is that I truly think that blogging is a great release! I think that even if you are feeling something for one day, writing it down really does relieve all the stress and anguish! Sometimes I let all the little things weigh me down and interrupt my daily life. I am working on it and I think blogging will definitely be a source in which I come to peace with a lot of the demons in my head......or all around me! LOL