You know, I had intended on using this blog almost daily, as my life is so packed with thoughts and revelations and feelings and issues and stress and happiness........
But the odd thing is I have been OVERLY consumed with all of these things at the same time that everyone time I sit down to start to write, there's just too much to say. I cannot seem to focus on one thing or one point or even one day!
Lets see....... a recap of just the past two and a half weeks - ready?!
First, my playgroup coordinated our bi-annual charity event, adopting a local no-kill animal shelter called Lafayette Animal Aid. We spend 6 week collecting items on their wish list and alos monetary donations! At the end of our time frame we were able to donate a LARGE amount of good and also raised $220!! The people at the shelter were wonderful! I don't know who was more excited about it all, us or them! It was a really great experience and I am so glad we chose them!
So, I decided to host a family reunion for the Etie side of my family. I coordinate it around the time when my dad, step-mom and little sister come to visit. The day before they are supposed to leave Texas I get a call that my dad has been fighting the flu for about 5 days and they may not be coming. (granted, this is two days before the reunion!). Later that night they call and say he not only has the flu but it has now turned into Well, going a little further back I decide to host a family reunion here at my home for the Etiepneumonia. He was going to rest, gets some daily shots from his doctor and would hopefully be there in time for the reunion. They ended up getting here at 10:30 am...... the reunion started at 11 am! lol I was very relieved they made it thought! It wouldn't have been the same without them!
The reunion went very well! Not everyone was able to come, but I met people in the family I had not yet been able to meet and they were a pleasure to be around! There was a lot of talk of old times and of our ancestry and about people I had never had the privilege of meeting!
I hope we take advantage of the family we do have and take the time to make this an annual event! At the end of the day, family is all we have!!
Well, there is more, but I am short on time at the moment! More to come!!
When I started this blog it was my intend that it be a daily or weekly digest into my life, my thoughts, my surroundings. Since the passing of my grandmother I have been using it as a sounding board with a depressing tone to it. Now, this has helped my greatly. Expressing myself and getting it down has helped me cope with a lot. But, as of today, it will serve more of a daily (if there is enough to scrawl about daily) journal.
On my mind today is my upcoming wedding anniversary! 6 years!!! I was joking with Bub the other day about how it has been the LONGEST 6 years of my life! I lie! It has been the best 6 years! I got lucky! Bub is awesome! I try hard to make sure that he knows every day how much I love him and how much I appreciate his hard work and sacrifice. Our life is the way it is because of him and because of his love and dedication to his family!
He is definitely my other half. Without him I would be incomplete! He is a great husband and provider and a wonderful father! I cannot count the number of times that a friend or family member has commented about how great of a man he is! It's nice that others recognize how amazing he is!
The new task is finding something special for him to mark these past 6 years! Some people say it should be a baby! Ha! lol I have about three weeks to figure something out!
It is interesting that the loss of a loved one is what will bring a family closer. Or will be the push they need to realize how much time has been wasted! But I guess it is nice when something positive can come out of something so devastating and life changing.
My Papaw seems to have come to terms with her death and found peace. I hope I too can find this peace and find comfort some how. Some days are harder than others for me, as I am certain for him as well.
______________________________________________________________________
My dad, step-mom and sister MaKenna will be coming to visit in March during their Spring Break. I am very excited! They have not been back to visit since before Mamaw Rose passed away in 2006. I know it will be hard for him coming here and her not being here. I have planned a Family Reunion, inviting everyone I can think of. I hope this helps!
I am really excited about throwing this reunion too! I love to entertain and thankfully our house and yard can easily accommodate all the families that should be coming! I am making my infamous pulled BBQ pork. It should go over well!
____________________________________________________________________
The jury is still out as to whether we will increase our family in size. Some days it's easier to say yes. But there are those days where I am so overwhelmed with the daily grind that I cannot imagine how I could manage a toddler, all the daily tasks and top it off with a pregnancy or a baby! Maybe if Bub worked closer or was home daily this would be an easier decision. Not to mention all the past pregnancy issues we've had. Sometime I think not knowing whether or not it is possible to have another may be better! By the end of this year we will know whether we will try to or keep our family how it is now!
Ever since the passing of my grandmother, I have had a flood of emotions. Some I am resolving and dealing with head on. Writing in my blog is helping a lot with that! But the one emotion that has been looming over me is fear. I am afraid! Afraid of what, I am not exactly sure! Anything I cannot see within my normal sight range for starters!
Ever since one of my trips to ICU and feeling the strong tug on the bottom of my shirt from some unseen 'being', I have been creeped out. I am fairly sure this tug was from my Mamaw, though I am unsure only because it was so low! Now, in the past I have seen ghostly figures or spirits, whatever you want to call them, in the past. You get used to this after a while and I used to be comforted by most of these. For some reason, since this is the first person to pass close to me, I am DEATHLY afraid she will appear to me. Why am I afraid since she is my Mamaw? I wish I knew! Maybe one day I will be ready to be visited by her. Hopefully it will not be too late for it! Even as I sit here and write, since it is so late, I keep seeing things out of the corner of my eye and I just don't want to look! The feeling is similar to watching a horror movie that scares the shit out of you and being afraid to go to the bathroom by yourself for fear something will be in there waiting for you or hiding in the shower! I HATE it!!
I should be wanting a visit! I should be yearning the contact and even the closure, but I don't think I am at a state to handle it! Everyone has their opinions about death and what happens afterwards. If I go along with the thought that there is nothing after death, seeing her would just freak me out. If I believe that spirits can walk among us and been seen and stuff, I don't know if I can handle seeing someone that I am supposed to be accepting and being gone.....forever!
The other thing that has me afraid is the fear of something happening to me. A car wreck, taking the trash to the road and someone coming out of the shadows and attacking me. I find myself looking over my shoulder or looking at my surroundings constantly to ensure nothing happens to me.
Why the hell am I so paranoid? What does my grandma passing by natural causes have to do with my sheer paranoia and fear of anything that moves or goes bump? Is there something wrong with me?! Of all of the emotions I thought would be associated with a loss of a loved one, this is not one I thought existed! I must be looking in the wrong place, but I have yet to find anything on the web about my 'issues'. I had hoped that by now these feelings would pass. But it seems to be becoming part of me now! I hope to find a book, or someone who knows what the hell is happening to me! Fear and paranoia is not something I am used to or comfortable with. I need to find out how to get closure or something!
But for now, I need to run to bed! Hopefully nothing will get me on my way! LOL (okay, really not funny, even coming from me! Oy!)
The last few days have been trying, to say the least! I am finding myself needing a straight jacket or padded room as each day passes. If my day isn't filled with sadness and loss, it's filled with anger, frustration, disbelief and sheer emotional exhaustion!
Don't get me wrong, I am not dwelling on Mamaw's passing. I have been having my moments. But I happen to also have a toddler who, for whatever reason is trying to kick me while I'm down! She has this uncanny knack for knowing when I am weak and cannot defend myself! In the midst of telling her the same types of things daily - 'no you cannot stand right next to the stove while I am cooking' ; 'yes you have to brush your teeth even though you did it yesterday' ; 'just because you closed your eyes for a few minutes and were quiet, no, that does not mean you took a nap' ; 'no you cannot eat candy in the morning before breakfast'........ I find that when she asks why, I am at a loss. I, a 29 year old mother, cannot come up with anything more intelligent than...."cause, ok!"
We had a horrible day Monday. It took me THREE hours of fussing, spanking and yelling to get this child to sleep. By the end of it I and the one that needed a damn nap! It ruined our whole day and we ended up missing one of the local parades with the family! I was pretty upset. And as usual, it is I that has to miss out because of the defiant child! The evening ended up being better. We have so much to work on. It's just so hard for me to understand how someone so smart can not listen and understand the word no! I am sure it's because she is so smart she decides she'll see how far she can push me and what she can get away with!
Today I went to the nursing home with my Great-Aunt and my cousin's wife to see my Great-Grandma. It was a nice visit! They are remodeling and thankfully she will have her own room soon. But I will say, some of the stories I heard today about those old people bickering! About how there is a married couple there and the gentleman has a girlfriend down the hall that he "smooches" with! lol I told her that she didn't even need a TV with all the soap opera stuff going on there!
So on our way home from picking Regan up from school she asked me when Mamaw was going to be home. I asked her if she remembered what Daddy and I told her a while back about where she was and she said no. I knew this was my opening and it was time to make sure she understood.
The best I could, I explain that she was gone. Made sure to use the words died and dead. (the day before I was in the other room and heard her crying. She was watching Pocahontas and at the end when the guy is on the ship and injured she cries. I asked her what was wrong and she said, he's dead. So I am trying to relate to what she seems to sort of understand) I tried to explain that she was in heaven with God and Jesus. Since it has been well over a year since we stopped attending our church, she has no idea what I am talking about. I have some children's bible books I'll be reading to her this week! But when we got home I started supper (she requested gumbo) then I sat with her and we read "When Dinosaurs Die". I kept composure for the most part. The book explains that everything lives and then at some point dies. It discusses ways people can die and what happens, sort of, afterwards. She was really upset and sobbed afterwards. So I brought her in the spare bedroom and pulled out pictures and made her an album. I told her she loved us and we loved her and that we will always have our memories. And that it is okay to be sad and miss her. It sucked! I have no doubt in my mind she will ask again. I guess kids can be in denial too and this may just be her way! Hopefully the next time she asks it'll be her daddy, cause I am not sure how many times I can break my child's heart in a row! Ugh!
Feeling pretty sullen today! Not really sure how I am supposed to feel or express myself! I am starting to think that although I speak as though I have accepted Mamaw's passing, in my heart of hearts I may not have.
Today, as promised I took Regan to the Jeanerette Mardi Gras Parade. She had a blast! She waves at everyone and even started trying to dance like some of the dancers and march like the marching bands (which I love by the way!). She got tons of beads, some toys and even a few packages of girly play make-up and lip gloss. She had a good time and that is all that really matters!!
Afterwards we heading to my Aunts to help write the Thank You notes to everyone who sent flowers and monetary donations and food during the wake and funeral! As women do we started talking and reminiscing. We all miss her so much! Today was the first time I allowed myself to cry since the day after the funeral. And I couldn't make the tears stop! I guess it was good to face my feelings. Once everything wasn't so much in the mix and she was laid to rest, I was able to push it all to the side. I just don't want to upset Regan and cannot spend my days crying! My mood since reflecting and crying at my Aunt's has been almost depressing! I know it is okay to be sad, but I just want to crawl into bed and stay there! Now, I am sure that might help me deal with this. Do it, and then move on. But I have a 3 1/2 year old and Bub is at work! The world cannot stop so that I can "deal" with my emotions!
After the long week of her hospitalization, passing and wake/funeral, everyone left! All of a sudden it was Regan and I. The funeral was Friday and they all left bright and early Sunday morning! We went to my grandparent's house on Monday just like we always have! I admit I was scared! Scared I would upset my Papaw, that I would say or do he wrong things or that Regan would bring something up that would upset him. It actually was very nice! He looked great! I couldn't believe it! He had cooked a huge meal, which he hadn't done in over a year since he had his own heart issues. Seemed he was enjoying the company and was actively trying to keep busy! My Aunt and Uncle are living there, and I think he is really enjoying it! I'm not sure if he has faced reality that Mamaw is gone and has accepted it or if he has decided to ignore it for now. Either way, I hope he continues to live his life and care for himself!
It also turns out that even though Bub and I explained her passing to Regan, she did not understand. When we started eating supper she asked me when Mamaw was going to get there. Then throughout the night she called Aunt Margaret - Mamaw. I would just remind her that it was Aunt Margaret. Now, I still talk about Mamaw just like I always have. "Remember when Mamaw...." "is that the doll Mamaw bought you?" I got 3 books for kids dealing with death to read to Regan......I got them Thursday.......still haven't "found the time" (or faced it) to read them to her and just get it all out once and for all. I am afraid I won't be able to deal with the emotions she will have, since I haven't really dealt with my own!
I haven't yet written about Papaw's induction into the Hall of Fame. That is what I was supposed to do the next time I took a minute to write. But this is what has oozed out. I will add that next time! There is definitely a silver lining and all is not gloomy! I am still thankful for the time I had with her and have plans to make the best of every moment I have with everyone I love! I guess this is just my season to reflect and mourn!
